Quotations of Wit, Humor, and Folly

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

  • Woody Allen from Love and Death

  • Modern Definitions Black holes: When God divides the universe by zero.
    Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
    Televangelist: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
  • Stephen Wright

  • After a Christian Fundamentalist scientific calculation had determined that the earth was 12,000 years old, here's an explanation for dinosaur fossils:
    God created dinosaurs when he created man. But he kept them on one side of the earth while he kept Adam and Eve on the other side. Then he killed off all of the dinosaurs and hurled their bodies to the other side of the planet, tilting the planet on its axis. And that's why the earth revolves around the sun - the impact from God's dinosaurs tilted the earth into its rotation.
  • Name withheld

  • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

  • Stephen Wright

  • A theologian is like a blind man in a dark room searching for a black cat which isn't there - and finding it!

  • Unknown

  • In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing. But, you could see it.

  • Dave Weinstein

  • Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

  • Victor J. Stenger, physicist

  • Christians believe that the most wonderful thing that can happen to them is to go to Heaven, but few of them are in a hurry to make the trip.

  • Unknown

  • A Christian is a man who feels repentence on Sunday for what he did on Saturday, and what he is going to do on Monday.

  • Thomas Ybarra

  • He's the type of guy that has to talk to God because nobody else will listen to him.

  • Rick Reynolds

  • With soap, baptism is a good thing.

  • Robert G. Ingersoll, 1833-1899

  • An athiest is a man who has no invisible means of support.

  • John Buchan, 1875-1940

  • A buddhist's request to the hotdog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

  • Unknown

  • When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

  • Unknown

  • The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean the God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

  • Lynn Lavner

  • And let's not forget, that if you want to preach a message of poverty, gentleness, and tolerance, you really need a rich, powerful, authoritarian organization with which to do it.

  • Monty Python

  • Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

  • Unknown

  • Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

  • Phillip K. Dick, 1928-1982

  • Religion began when the first scoundrel met the first fool.

  • Voltaire, 1694-1778

  • When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

  • Bishop Desmond Tutu

  • We are here on earth to do good for others. What the others are here for, I don't know.

  • W. H. Auden

  • Never join a religion that has a water slide.

  • Unknown

  • The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages - as if the savages weren't dangerous enough already.

  • Edward Abbey

  • If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

    People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

  • Dave Barry

  • When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized that I was talking to myself.

  • Peter O'Toole in The Ruling Class

  • 16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

    Computer and God               Computer Cosmology

    I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.

  • George Carlin, social comedian

  • Although it is said that faith can move mountains, experience shows that dynamite works better.

  • Unknown

  • Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

  • Unknown

  • Why is it when we talk to God we're praying - but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?

  • Lily Tomlin

  • Faith is believing what you know ain't so.

  • Mark Twain, 1835-1910

  • Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

  • H. L. Mencken, 1880-1956

  • Has it every occurred to you that God might be a committee?

  • Robert Heinlein, 1907-1988

  • Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the FIRST time.

  • Dennis Miller

  • Why be born again, when you can just grow up?

  • Unknown

  • Christian Fundamentalism: doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable universe-spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.

    Christian Liberalism: doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable universe-spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about baby seals but doesn't give a damn about my sex life.

  • Andrew Lias

  • When I die, I want to go peacefully and quietly in my sleep like my grandfather did
    --not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car at that time.

  • Unknown

  • You can't have everything...where would you put it?

  • Stephen Wright